Leaps and Bounds

I have to admit; I ask for too much. I am difficult to deal with. I pick fights and fight back whenever I can. I whine; I complain, and I demand. A lot. I am not an easy person to love.

But all in all, I thank all the stars in the sky because I have people who love me. I have more than my share of people who love me. So, yes, I may not be the ideal, but I am one lucky person.

Luckier still because I found someone who understands me almost as much as I understand myself. He may not really know me, or get how my mind works. But in his own little ways, he knows how to deal with me. He know how to work around me. For that alone, I will remain thankful.

And yes, I ask for a lot. But that does not mean you cannot give me just “a little”. No matter how small, I still know how to look at the bigger picture and appreciate the little things for what they are – small acts of love or kindness that definitely goes a long way, longer than some of the huge jumps that people go to.

And it is because I know how to appreciate the little things that I also demand leaps and bounds. Yes, I need the huge jump too. It is because of that I also want the giant leap, the grand gesture. So yes, I am lucky. But I know I will be luckiest for all the things I am shown, little or otherwise.

Choices

People ask me why we aren’t married yet. Five years of being together, officially or not, was a lot of time for two people to decide on marriage. It was puzzling why he and I never got arround to doing that. People simply did not understand.

I could simply say we had reasons, reasons which were our own. I could say we weren;t married yet because we had many other plans of our own. Because, individually, we haven’t yet achieved or accomplished what we were supposed to. I could say we didn’t have the means. I could say he didn’t see marriage as a necessity.

Quite frankly, there are a lot of reasons.

It’s not marriage was never discussed. I used to force the subject into our conversations. We used to argue about that. He does not want to get married. I, on the other hand, envied my friends who did. I felt like the whole process of getting married was such a good thing to experience.

Recently, I came to realize that we have now is better. We are better together by not being married. I don’t want to get married anymore.

You see, I don’t want to get married because I want us to always have a choice. When we stick it out with each other, I want us to do so because we choose each other. I want us to work things out because we choose to do so and we choose each other and not just because we simply just had to. I want us to choose each other everyday. If we were married, we would have chosen to stay because we were married. I did not want marriage to be a reason to stay. I want us to stay with each other because of each other.

This way, we loved each other more and we’d always know that even when we both have a choice to leave, to move on, to stop, we will still choose what we have over anything else. And that, for me, was worth more than any marriage ever could get.

A Man For Amanda

No Other Woman – Not a Review at All

I was with my mom when I watched this movie. I have to admit, I watched it because Anne Curtis is my mom’s favorite. She watches Showtime everyday (I swear). Watching this movie was not even a question.

I have read so many reviews and comments about No Other Woman. Most of them had biases (no matter how objective they say they are). Some of them just wanted to write or blog about it, not really caring if the content had anything GREAT for the readers. So what am I doing writing about the movie when almost everybody has already done that? Well, to be different, I want to write about the things I realized because of that movie.

First off, INFIDELITY is obviously the biggest issue in the story. There’s this hot married man who, since he got married to his beautiful wife, has not LOOKED AT any other woman anymore. He has be FAITHFUL to her despite his colorful past with women. Then, there’s this sweet, beautiful wife who hails from a nouveau riche family and has dedicated her life to taking care of her husband, supporting him, and making him happy. And, or course, there’s this hugely interesting, one-of-a-kind woman who is an heiress to a great fortune and looks at the world and relationships in a different way. Putting the three characters together would be explosive (which is exactly what the movie was both as a story and as a money making product).

With that said, CHEATING is not the only thing we can pick up from the story. Of course, you will need to dig deeper for you to appreciate what the entire movie meant to you. It takes patience, but with a couple of minutes of thinking through, you will actually find that the issue of be UNFAITHFUL was not really what struck you the most in the movie. For me, it that’s exactly what happened.

Most people would think that Kara (Anne’s character) was the one who started off the entire conflict by being the temptress that she was and by luring Ram (Derek Ramsay) into an illicit affair. That’s because all this time, Ram has been LOYAL to Charmaine (Cristine Reyes), and it was only when Kara came into the picture that he went astray. I LOOK AT IT DIFFERENTLY. Sometimes, when women are in a relationship, they fear that some vamp will come and steal their men. Because of he movie, I realized that being loyal is a constant work. You always need to work on it. Being FAITHFUL does not mean that you have never looked at anyone else other than your partner. Being LOYAL does not mean that you have stopped being attracted to other people. In fact, it is the complete opposite. FIDELITY means that you look at others, you SEE other people, you become ATTRACTED to them, you might even go further and FALL IN LOVE with someone else. The difference lies on what you do with those feelings. Being FAITHFUL means that you still have these stirrings for other people, but you know well enough how to say no, turn, and walk away. That’s what RAM should have done. He SHOULD HAVE been FAITHFUL at that moment when his entire being wanted to jump into KARA’s hell fire.

As for the wife’s part, I realized that when a man cheats, it is not always the man’s fault, or the mistress’, or even the wife’s. Sometimes, it is nobody’s fault at all. Sometimes, these ugly things happen, and we cannot really blame anybody for it. We cannot say that it was the man’s fault because he was weak when it came to temptation. We cannot say that it is the fault of the mistress because she wanted a portion of a land that was not hers to claim. We also cannot say it was the wife’s fault because she let herself go, lost her individuality, and just became plain and boring. Sometimes, things happen just because they did. No one wanted them to, but they did. All we can do is fight for what’s ours, fight for what’s right, and forgive every other person who got caught.

For the part of Kara, I can’t say I have any conclusions. I guess, I can say that mistresses or other women fall in love too. It is not always about SEX and the THRILL. Sometimes, it’s about FEELINGS. Maybe if RAM had not been too nice to her, she would not have fallen very deep in love. Sometimes, they, too, are victims.

Nobody really wins when INFIDELITY is added into the equation. We all lose something. We may move on, but we will never really get back whatever was lost. I can only hope that I will never have to be in the same situation as Charmaine, Ram, and Kara were. To everyone, LOVE is BEAUTIFUL and PAINFUL at the same time. It is not always CHEATING and THIRD PARTIES that destroy a relationship. Sometimes, WE do that job pretty well. However, that is not the point. The point is that when we love, we love without question without boundary, without inhibitions. Hearts, promises, and relationships may be broken, but the DESIRE to LOVE and BE LOVED is far greater than these three.

And Then There Was Me

and then there was me…

and i was laughing my whole heart out
that you were someone i couldn’t do without
and i didn’t know that it was true
and that my whole life would be blue

and i thought i could get away with things
that i could fight these confusing feelings
and i didn’t think i’d never be the same
i thought i was the one playing the game

and now there is only me, myself and i
and the loneliness as such I cannot deny
because all i knew of love has left me
this is as broken as one can ever be

so all that is left right now to do
is to get over everything, even you
because even if i live in grief and in pain
life and love will never happen this way again.

Gap

Every now and then, I come to this blog to write something. Along with that, I keep hoping I’d once again find the passion and the commitment to keep this blog updated and start writing poetry again. The passion is there. Definitely. However, I can’t seem to commit anymore.

I love this blog. I writing. I love reading other blogs that I have come across in my WP journey. It’s just that my life is at a point where I can barely juggle my job, my family, and my personal “ME” time. Also, there’s not much to tell about my life these days. I stay at home and work all day. Get 4-6 hours of sleep during weekdays and make up for all the lost hours on weekends. Every Saturday, J and I would go out for dinner. Some Sundays, I also take my mom out to lunch or dinner (depending on what she likes). Some weekends, we feel like celebrating and we either go out with friends or ask them to come over. Most weekends, though, I am just too tired to mingle.

The only trip that’s definitely worth looking forward to is my trip to CDO on January. That’s still a very long time away. Also, I look forward to this year’s Christmas because I might have better reasons to celebrate. Between now and January, J and I might go on a random trip, but that’s not at all discussed yet. Other than the things I mentioned, there’s really nothing else. I don’t even have time to philosophize anymore. There’s nothing wrong with the way things are right now. In fact, every thing is just —————————- in place.

The Fight That Brought Peace

People who are married, are in a relationship or have been in previous romantic experiences know that fighting is inevitable. As much as we want to avoid getting into a fight with our partners, Fate seems to laugh at the effort and throws random fights along your way. It always starts with a petty disagreement that even sic-year old kids wouldn’t be caught fighting about. Then it morphs into a full blown declaration of war where two people emotionally or physically hurt each other. Sometimes even both. The culmination to these fights usually features someone walking out, some couples breaking up, and some wounds digging deep.

You can call me out of this world, but I think fighting is one of the ways you can prove to yourself how much you actually care about someone. If you cared enough to fight, to exert so much energy, and to lose your control, then perhaps, you cared about that person that much. Fighting isn’t about who wins. It’s about the person who cares more. Women fight with the men in their lives not because they want to be heard or that they want to be understood or that they want their man to give them what they want. Most of the time, a woman just wants to know if the man loves her enough to lose the argument just so he can win her back. I am not a man, so I wouldn’t really know what a man’s reason is for fighting with his woman.

A fight can cause unnecessary pain. What two people can achieve without hurting each other is definitely way better than what they can achieve when they are fighting. However, it does not always have to be bad. After a heated argument when someone usually walks out or (if you are lucky to have a partner who never walks out) sulks, both parties usually have time to look into themselves and analyze what went wrong. If you really love the person, you’ll see that a huge part of the fight was your own doing. You’d realize that, when the storm has cleared, you still care for that person as much as you can. Plus, after a great fight, there always is great sex. That’s probably the best thing I love about fights.

I recently just came out of a terrible fight. I would never say that I was wrong. I had a point. I had to stress that out. He had to understand that. But that did not matter anymore. The fight has ended. What’s important is that nothing changed between us even with all the fights we have had.

My relationship, our relationship, is a work in progress. Well, honestly, I think it will always be a work in progress. We will never be like any happy couple who think that they found heaven in each other. We are not like that. Every now and then we have these really huge fights, and sometimes, one of us lets go. However, the reason why we are still together is that whenever one person weakens, the other is always strong enough for both of us. We keep working at that. We keep working on our relationship. We both know that we will never have heaven with each other, but with each each, we have our lives.

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Forgiveness is not a Requirement

They say that when we forgive, we set a prisoner free. That prisoner is ourselves. I agree. When there’s nothing to forgive anymore, when there’s no anger to hold on to, you’re free to move on. You’re free to feel other emotions. However, sometimes, some hurts just go way too deep that not even forgiveness can fathom. Sometimes, there are things done to us that ultimately change our lives. Lucky are those who find a better life for themselves after they have been through the deepest of hurts. For some, they are not so fortunate. Others get stuck at the twisted situation they get caught in. Other lose their lives because of the pain.

I am proud to say that I have come on top after being at the lowest of lows. My life may not have been perfect, but I would never have things any other way. I have had many people hurt me. I have forgiven most of them. Most. Not all. You may say that I am only stopping my self from being completely happy because I still hold grudges. You’re wrong. I never said I still hold grudges. I am no longer angry. But I will never be able to forgive. I do not think of these people anymore. In fact, I can honestly say that I wish them a good life, great health, and peaceful minds. But I would never want to have them in my life anymore. Not at all.

I have still set myself free because amidst all of these, I have forgiven MYSELF. Not them but myself. I have forgiven myself for my lack of independence when I was younger. I have forgiven myself for allowing them to hurt me. I have forgiven myself for letting them get the better of myself. Forgiving them is another story. One that is not mine to tell. Their forgiveness is not longer in my hands. What I can do with my life now is to live a happy and content life. I can only hope that they will not feel the hurt an disappointment that they have made me feel many, many years ago.

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